Marriage Blues !!!

How true... It takes a minimum of 4 years to get to know a person. Well apparently after completing 5 yrs of married life,I realize it is so unfortunate that I ended up like this. Who/what will be of help for me at this point.. My children. I feel sorry for them. Did I ever ask too much lord? I only asked for a man who is confident enough to take care of his family and who can protect his wife no matter what happens and love till the end of the life. I never gave much importance to physique.  where did i go wrong?  I ended up like this, thinking this man would be my whole and one who is going to lead me...How wrong I was. With whatever I gained,  I made him to change in  2 yrs.. But, in return when i wanted some support , there was no one to help me out..

Silliness prevailed throughout the years...He acts timid during situations when i should be protected. No man is perfect. I agree. At times I too need an advice. But, fate... the wound  only became wider after first baby was born. It became worse after the second baby. Now, that I have come up with my own stamina to get into a temporary job, i thank God for giving me some time for myself. Ongoing  fights for sharing responsibilities.. However,no fights for loving each other more.. Nobody cares to even show affection.. Love is no more in this relation. Only hatred... what will be the situation after 10 years... I am feeling really nervous. I feel bit relieved when i ponder these lines.

Poor mom. I wish she didn't come to know. His stupidity irritates me. He acts as if nothing happened. How much I wish to rewind time and make that person to think twice before he took that decision. I loved him and still love. But, I don't have him as my man. I won't be able to convince myself otherwise. Reality is reality.. 15 mts a day.. Well that's what I have. Interesting. Living for my kids. When I see her, I see me. When I see him, I wish he never turns out like him and I want to make sure I rear up a confident lad who roars at this world and conquer with power and determination. I want to be a role model to my kids.. I accept my faults, but I will strive for perfection in all sense. Lord.. Help me to move on...pushh harder and raise the bar one more slot... Yes, I can and I will !!!

Sad Love Story

Love is erotic, Love is passion.
Love is care. Love is emotion
Love is the burning desire to unite two bodies
On one side one who has the love, doesn't value it,
On the other hand, one who does't have yearn for it...
Love is strange and Life is mysterious in so many ways. !!!

Love is divine, Love is pure
Love is working towards a single minded goal.
Love is lending a helping hand when one gets tired
Love is magic..love is like wine... the older it gets , the better it tastes

I want to love wholeheartedly...I want to be happy with my love
I want to make love with my love.. I want to close my eyes and feel his breath on my skin
I want to run away from the mundane life and just be with him
I had dreams of building a small nest with him... How much I wished...
it's so strange and so unfortunate my love was not worth enough to be the love forever for him!!!

As I count the stars, time flies, and years pass by
I see wrinkles on my skin, and my eyes are wet
I wish there was someone out there who values my love
I wish he would stay true to me, I wish he would still love me with all his heart

God, please turn the years so quickly and give me a chance to be with my man
His eyes are warm, and I melt like ice when he stares at me...
I want to close my eyes and lay down on his chest..
I want to hold his hands and walk beside the sea shore..
One day... Hope is still in my heart..
 One day.. because, true love is eternal 

Lust or Love

 Is both the same ? I found out when two souls united for one purpose, when they fly away to build their own nest, the very lust wades  them to the devils path. why is it so ? Is it because of the pain of loneliness that they try to do that or is it because they want to have the taste of other buds.. smell it but don't taste it.. Are they afraid? yes, afraid of society, taboo.. But, at the bottom of heart those two souls live for each other, dream for one small eternal life..If man was never hungry, there would not have had any evilness in his mind. The hunger for sex, money, possession. what is eternal life? But, that's something you get it after accomplishing your goal in this life. A life after death? would you want to be free of taboos and handcuffs? Feeling the happiness of solitude. Life is mysterious, delicious, yet strange. Where is my goal ? I am seeing it through my inner mind... Pull it out. You preache through your mouth confidently. 

Happy Vishu 2015

Today is  vishu. A day which is meant to be celebrated with joy, peace and happiness with family and friends,, Yesterday late night I managed to keep the items that I had to make sure I had my vishu kani for my family...  It's been 5 years in the US and as a family we are still not settled.. In the midst of work issue, my husband getting RFE on his visa, problems in job and stress at home with taking care of the little ones... our vishu passed by silently. I am realizing "nothing can be accomplished without God's grace". When you believe in depth on an ultimate power, HE will make our dreams come true,
I hope the lord take care of our problems, give a full stop to our issues and insecure feelings, provide my husband the confidence, aptitude and opportunity to grab the right job and hopefully I can continue to work with HISD and slowly move in to other projects. That's the foundation,. If this is ready rest will come and fall into right place. I want to give a good surrounding for my kids to live. I want my son to get all rights that he deserve and not to lose any opportunity just because of our one mistake....  God please help us.. I urge you to help us in getting settled here... I want my kids to grow in a nurturing and a stable environment  without any worries....

2014 what a year !!!

Finally, I am finishing off an action packed suspense filled  year sitting in my home after having a wonderful lunch saying gratitude to lord almighty, to my love and to my cute little pumpkins...

Yes, I got the job here. On October 8th I got it,just when my mom was packing up to go back to Indian in another few days. Now I really understand, God gives hard times not to make us feel insecure, but to make us strong and increase our determination to go get it.. period.
If you really really want something very badly, even universe can't stop making it happen. It will change the situation accordingly and that's what I could see it in my case.

With the support of my family,with the support f my kids,my husband and everyone, today I feel a meaning and sense more value and self respect in me. Thank You lord. Thank You. 

I know this is the foundation to build our mansion. Once we got the green signal on this,here is what happened within past 2 months.
1. We bought a new car.
2. We got a very caring nanny to look after our kids
3.  I am planning to send Namish to Ashford montessory effective March 2015
4.  I am having a hope that yes for the coming 3 to 6 years, I am  authorized to work here and I can find job in Houston.
5. I don't feel guilty to shop essential items for me or while doing a basic threading for me.

While 2015 is around the corner, I hope for these things, which I know again needs dedication, perspiration, continuous motivation and encouragement. But, I know lord with you in me I can do this. It's up to me whether I have to make grow of the devil in me or just throw it away. my hands are not cuffed. I can do it. Yes.

My new year resolution for 2015.
1. Get 1 more year extension at HISD with this  project initially and  following move in to dotnet/peoplesoft projects at HISD and gain experience from there before moving out of HISD.
2. Provide complete support and encouragement for my hubby to change the job to a good company which does eb2 filing before October 2015.
3. Control my temper towards kids, and my husband.
4. Spend at least half an hr with namish with his toys and book at night.
5. Spend atleast half an hr with hubby darling for chitchat before sleeping.
6. Control what I have during each time while eating. Aim to reduce 3kg per month. By this time next yr. I should have reduced at least 30 kilos. Current wt = 97 . Target wt =67. No sugar. One day per week sugar day. Sunday,
7. Have dinner together at sharp 7 and lit the puja room daily. Go to temple once a week.
8. Sleep by 10.00 and wake up by 6.00 am. Go to gym 3 times a week after Namish has slept.
9. Do face packs on Friday night.Cooking and cleaning on Satrudays and Sundays rest or outing,.
10. Save 8000 dollar per month and stick on to 3300 expense monthly, 1 eat out per month.

I hope lord gives me strength to go over all the 10 affirmations I have set for me which gives me 

Burning at both ends

A perfect synonym for my current state

It seems that I'm burning myself like a candle from both sides... It's very very hard even if my mother is also present here to look after the kids.. Dear lord.. why are you keeping on testing us ? 


Nowadays the second baby is becoming a very light sleeper.. I feel so bad when I am not able to look after Namish properly.  I want to teach  him so many wonderful things out there. Will I be able to manage these 2 kids by myself ? Yes, my husband helps me out. But, for how long will he do. We both are not very good at having patience. I feel my social living is gone, work life is gone.. My beauty is gone.. My dad  portrays me as a pelayi who is shitting in kitchen and stays at home  shamelessly without earning a penny. Dear lord, I dunno how I have to plead to you. Please lord.. Give us serenity, strength, patience and stamina to look after our babies.. Also, give me some time to take care of myself and to get back to a job.. I hope I can spend sometime for my studies.  wish I can spend a little bit of me time with my husband.. I also wish my husband realize the trauma that I am going through and take in-charge to give us financal stability and also be very alert in grabbing up the opportunities to move forward.. I hope we get our ead soon. I hope he gets  a new job with eb2 filed.  I wish  I get a decent job and I hope he can help me out to get one like any other husbands who do for their wives...so that I can send him to school /montessori.   I hope  get some time to help him grow intellectually. Super mama.. Now I am realizing that to make all these as a reality I should become a super mama. God..  hope there is one person in this world who understands me. God do u understand me.. At times  I feel like crying.. I am lost..I get tired.. round the clock  I am looking after these kids.. I feel I am dooming.. I need a break !!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy B'day to Me !!!!

A very very happy 30th birthday to me... Wow I have passed my childhood, teenage, and my ravishing youth in my 20's.. Am I happy ? Of course I am happy because this birthday is freaking special for me as I am a mother of a second baby.. A baby girl.. Yes, people got surprised by this news.. Even myself and my husband got nervous when we realized on our Anniversary day Jan 27th 2014 that I am pregnant again.. Didn't I become a mother last year ? Oh yes... then are we crazy.. Well I ought to believe God has set certain plans and to heal our bruises he or she shall come in to our life in any form.. Well I would also like to think like that for this 30th birthday of mine.. 

If you ask whether  am having a good time.. Well you should be a crazy jack ass asking such a question. When you don't have a penny as your own , when you ask for support from others, plus a super energetic toddler running around then  you feel like you are put in a holy cow dung.... drowning and drowning... Hmm  today when I woke up I secretly wished my husband wishes me happy b'day first.. But it was my parents who wished me.. sigh.. Well I know he is also drained out. But, still I wish he had given me a gift or a birthday card..  Whatever... cad buries it is.. my b'day gift + conjunctivitis from my baby.. Hmm poor thing is suffering.. So in a nutshell my 30th birthday is sucking so far with an itching eye, a crying newborn, a cranky toddler, nagging father, and a partner who always thinks he is doing everything and I don't do any shit. Nether do I have a right to rest because of this sucking situation, no matter I delivered a baby  few days back because this is not India..

Well, well,well family is expanding and I am glad to have a son and a daughter.. Now that my family is complete my b'day wish  for this year is to fulfill my ever strong urge to get back to workforce. After all, something well begun is half done and my H1 is on process.. I want to give a good life to my children.  I want my self respect back. I hope my man understands me for who I am and realizes that what I do is for all of us and not just for me. I pray to God to give me strength to withstand such calamities, patience to handle both children and I really really wish the bond between me and my husband grow strong and sturdy as years pass by and the love be their forever. On this birthday I want to make slow progression on my self and  want to bring up my children as independent, self sufficient, intelligent and loving adults...  AMEN !!!